“Why Is He Doing That?” How to Talk to Your Child About Autism

It’s a question many parents hear when their child meets someone a little different:

“Why doesn’t she talk?”
“Why does he flap his hands?”
“Why is she wearing headphones?”

These questions come from a place of curiosity—not judgment. And when we answer with kindness, openness, and honesty, we give our children the tools they need to understand, accept, and include others.

Here’s how you can talk to your child about autism in a way that is respectful, age-appropriate, and rooted in compassion.

Start With This: “Everyone’s Brain Works Differently”

Begin by helping your child understand that all people are unique. You might say:

“Everyone’s brain is different. Some people learn things quickly, some take more time. Some people love loud noises and busy places, and others like things to be quiet. That’s true for everyone—including kids with autism.”

This sets the stage for understanding differences without placing a value on one way being “better” or “normal.”

Use Simple, Honest Language

For younger kids, try something like:

“Autism is just one way that brains can work. It means someone might think, feel, or play a little differently. They might talk in a different way, or maybe they don’t talk at all. But they still have feelings, just like you.”

For older kids, you can add more detail:

“Autistic people might have a hard time with certain things—like talking, making eye contact, or changes in routine. But they might also be really great at noticing details or remembering facts. Autism just means their brain works in its own special way.”

Encourage Empathy, Not Pity

Make it clear that autism is not something to feel sorry for. Instead, it’s something to understand.

You might say:

“Your cousin wears headphones because some sounds feel way too loud for him. It helps him feel more comfortable. He’s not trying to be rude—he’s just taking care of himself.”

Or:
“Your friend doesn’t like to be hugged, but she might show she likes you by standing near you or playing your favorite game. Everyone shows love in different ways.”

Model Inclusion and Celebrate Differences

Children learn more from what we do than what we say. Let them see you interacting with autistic people in kind, respectful ways. Show curiosity instead of frustration. Practice patience. Celebrate progress, however small.

Say things like:
“It’s okay if he doesn’t play the way you expected. Maybe you can find something he likes to do and join in.”

Or:
“She uses an iPad to talk. Isn’t that cool? That’s how she tells people what she wants or how she’s feeling.”

Make Room for Questions—Even the Awkward Ones

Your child might ask hard questions or say things that seem impolite. Don’t panic. Stay calm, answer honestly, and praise them for being curious and wanting to understand.

You could say:
“I’m so glad you asked. That’s a really good question. Let’s talk about it together.”

End With This Message: “Different Doesn’t Mean Less”

Remind your child that every person brings something valuable to the world, and we don’t all have to be the same to be friends, classmates, or family.

Say:
“It’s okay to notice differences. What matters is that we treat everyone with kindness, even if we don’t understand everything about them.”

Because when we teach children to value others exactly as they are, we’re creating a more inclusive world—for today and for tomorrow.